Inayet Sahin
May 9, 2009

 Who do you want your child to be like when he is older?  Whoever that person is, when he does something wrong, you have to correct them in a way that will guide his Being towards the person you want them to be.  Discipline is not punishment and should not be punitive in any way; you are teaching your child the proper way to “Be” in the world.  So we must always ask ourselves, “What characteristics do my words and actions engender in my child?”  We need to change our vocabulary if we want to change how we do things, so from this point forth, I will not be using the word discipline.  It connotes punishment, and in this article I hope to elaborate why that is not the Muslim way of doing things.

 Raising children is not an easy task by any means.  Parenting and specifically full time mothering is an overwhelming, stressful, underappreciated, and absolutely frustrating responsibility.  Therein lays the reason why heaven is at the feet of the mother.  A mother must at all times be patient and positive.  These two characteristics encompasses the Prophet Muhammad’s SAW example most accurately.  Being positive does not mean you are being permissive; it means guiding ones child towards the right path without the fear of punishment.  The Prophet SAW was at all times patient and understanding with children.  We see in the famous example of his grandsons playing on his back that he always had time for children to be children.

 When looking at this example, there are four important components that need to be examined.  The first is to turn to Allah and emulate the Prophet Muhammad SAW; if we do not obey Allah, how can we expect our children to?  Secondly, we need to restructure our expectations of children. Next we need to examine our hurried lives and lastly understand the wisdom in which children are guided to what is right away from the wrong. 

The Child as a Spiritual Being:

 The first step in guiding our children is understanding where they are coming from.  Children are not empty vessels to be filled; they are seeds within whom Allah SWT has established fitra.  Our souls have a covenant with Allah SWT to obey and when the child is brought forth into the world, the separation from the spiritual realm begins.  This ephemeral world is based on the tangible, and general sentiment of Western civilization is to value only that.  However, in order for a child to believe in the unseen, the unseen must be “real” to them…tangible at the spiritual level.  The growth of the spiritual realm is fostered during the early years, when the child is the closest to Allah…pardoned and absolved from all responsibility of action till the age of seven.  This is why the fear of punishment has no place in a young child’s life. Do they do wrong? Yes, however it is not with ill intent.  Rather than focusing on the wrong, we need to guide them away from it towards what is right.  We have to remember that children are spiritual beings to be emulated…they live in the moment without regard of consequences.  Wouldn’t you love to pray that way…to be fully immersed in the action, ignoring all other distractions and desires?  Their actions have an explanation. 

 In trying to understand children most of us need to change our whole world view.  As mentioned before, modern society only values the physical realm and even though the young child is in the spiritual realm, everything for early childhood reflects the ephemeral.  Developmental toys, pushing for early reading and writing, and discipline in terms of treating children as adults who can understand consequences all counter the spiritual development of the child which is essential in the first 7 years.  The Prophet Muhammad SAW said to play with our children for the first seven years.  There are current movements that parallel the Muslim view and we should seek out these resources.  Two books that I read over and over again are You Are Your Child’s First Teacher by Rahima Dancy and The Discipline Book by Dr. Sears.  The first book provides a worldview for not only how to raise and educate your child, but also how to “be” with them.  She provides practical examples and stories from years of experience.  Dr. Sears provides the nuts and bolts of normal development and behavior, as well as a review of the many different approaches to guiding ones child. Both books are easy to read and excellent resources to refer to time and time again.

 When engaging our children,  we must make time for them to BE.  It is simple as that.  Our hurried lives are destroying childhood and all its precious moments.  We want super kids that do things like adults…right now…or else.  How can you not expect a child to act up when they are rushed, the parents are stressed and they don’t know what to expect. Elkind in his book The Hurried Child explains that rushing through childhood is hurting our children mentally and physically, and I would add spiritually.  Children are deliberate in what they do.  They are systematic because for most of their young lives it is the first time they are doing it.   We expect them to come running out of the womb, ready to listen and obey, walk, talk, read and write a dissertation all by the age of 5. 

 The Prophet SAW said to teach your child from 7-12, and age 7 is when a child’s responsibility starts in Islam.  Until then, they should be free as birds; provided with a safe and natural environment, children will amuse themselves.  Waldorf and Classical philosophies of education require formal learning to start at age seven.  Till then free and imaginative play is encouraged and fostered with activities such as putting on a puppet show.  Waldorf education, based on Rudolf Steiner’s philosophy of anthroposophy is quite detailed how a day should look and what one can do with ones child.  Rahima Dancy’s book addresses this nicely.  I do caution however to not delve too deeply into Waldorf education.  InshaAllah I will address this in another article.   Elkind’s book tells you what not to do, and along with Dancy’s suggestions, you will never feel the need to enroll your kid in numerous classes or teach the ABCs.  You will be busy letting children be children.  And when children have an environment in which they know what expect, and that is orderly and peaceful, then they in turn are at peace.  Children need more time to adjust to change, so it is best to keep loosely to a schedule and if there is a change, give multiple reminders that change is coming as well as time for them to finish up what they are doing. 

 

Positive Action, Peaceful Place:

  Lastly, we come to the hardest part: putting everything into action.  We understand where our children are coming from, we have the perfect environment with natural toys and art supplies, and we avoid over scheduling our children; now we will sit back and watch our child blossom into a beautiful flower.  Yes, I wish it were this easy, but nothing worth it comes easy in this life.  Ease and perfection are reserved for heaven.  With my first son I almost had the ideal situation, but my second and especially my third just turned my senses up side down.  My youngest son, who is now approaching three, was the perfect big fat happy baby.  But come the age of one, he became the crawling monster we liked to call a tarantula.  His first task of the day would be to empty everything from the toy shelf.  We had so many toys that it would take us two hours to put everything back in its place.  Secondly he would attack my plants. And then whatever his brothers were doing was destroyed next.  He would climb on shelves and tables, and the older he got, the more sophisticated his means of getting to things I put away.  So how did I deal with this.  I knew that he was just a super explorer so I just limited what he could explore.  I created a “yes place,” a term I borrowed from Dr. Sears.  I put up gates so that the living room was closed off and everything in that space he was allowed to touch and explore.  Some may disagree with this and force a child as young as 1 to learn not to touch things.  Some children do so with a gentle movement away, and replacing what they wanted with a toy.  But most need a slap to the hand, and that in the long run actually inhibits the child’s natural need to discover.  I am not going to give any time frame as to when a child should listen as every child is different.  Show them ten times the alternative behavior, such as removing them away from a plant, and if they do not get it, then move the plant outside of the “yes place.”  Remember everything will pass, and as the child gets older, the more complex the issues you will have to address.  So enjoy the simple times you have with them and make it always wonderful for them.  This is the general philosophy I try to keep. 

 Kids will be happy if you as the parent are happy, so always be positive.  Make a game of things in order to maintain joyful behavior.  Be positive, especially when correcting a child’s behavior.  For example, I never use the word “Time Out” because it does not mean anything to children and is negative in its approach.  I call it “Calm Down Time” and from this they understand what I want them to do.  Removing a child from a situation is positive because you are teaching them that when things get out of control, they need to step away.  The Prophet SAW told us that when we are angry we should sit if we are standing, and lay down if we are sitting.  Taking them away to another room, explaining what they should be doing and then giving them time to calm down is beneficial in the long run.  Giving them time out is punishment and just makes them angrier.  The first takes more time and patience, as you may have to stay with them while they calm down, however in the long run they will learn a skill that will prevent many mistakes made in anger.

 Some mothers may be rolling their eyes at this point, because that kid of theirs is just so difficult.  This is my third son.  It seems he is always doing the wrong thing at the wrong time, and it has taken a toll on my nerves.  Everything I know about nurturing the spirit just goes out the door when I see him writing on walls, hitting his brothers or empting the whole toilet paper roll into the toilet for the hundredth time.  One day he decided to take off his diaper and proceeded to poo all over the house, sitting down at times to read a book, smearing poo all over the sofas and chairs, and then stepping in poo, walking upstairs and going to his brothers bed to sit on his pillow.  What is a mother to do but scream?  I had to remove him away from me so I put him in the shower.  Thankfully someone else was at home to watch him while I attempted to clean up. The mind, body and soul becomes exhausted after such occurrences day in and day out. 

When Understanding is Not Enough:

 Since my first pregnancy I have been turning to the natural world Allah SWT created, for cures for our sicknesses and ailments.  Prophet Muhammad SAW said that for every disease Allah created a cure, and believing in that, I never gave any of my children conventional medicines.  My search for natural healing led me to homeopathy, and my first homeopath who happened to be Muslim, said that homeopathy is a mercy from Allah.  6 years later, as a student of homeopathy, I believe this to be truer than ever.

 Hahnemann discovered homeopathy while searching for an alternative to medicine of his time.  He was a MD himself, but through his practice he saw more harm being done than good.  He was a religious man, and prayed to God for an answer.  While translating old medical texts from Latin to German, he came across a study that showed a natural substance causing symptoms of a disease.  He thought if it can cause it, then shouldn’t lesser doses be able to cure it.  He did numerous studies and came up with the principles of homeopathy which are recorded in the Organon.  This all happened 100 years ago and since then homeopathy has grown and developed into a very effective science with hospitals all over the world.  The reason why we do not know about it in the United States is because during its expansion, it threatened the practices of medical doctors, so they established the American Medical Society and lobbied for laws to be passed against homeopathy.  The laws have ensured that it is the only alternative medical degree that you cannot be accredited for in the US.  You can learn about it, but there is no formal, legal body that can deem you a homeopath such as with naturopaths, acupuncturists and chiropractors. 

 Getting back to guiding our children to the straight path, homeopathy works like other natural modalities to heal with your body, not against it.  Allopathic medicine (MD) suppresses and this just causes other problems to occur.  A mother can become overstrained and tired to the point that her body and specifically her psychological state becomes unbalanced.  She tries hard to be calm and patient, but in the end she still resorts to yelling and hitting.  Then she cries and tries to be super sweet, but then the next act triggers her and the cycle of abuse starts all over again.  There are homeopathic remedies that can help her with this.  Homeopathy heals the whole body, so along with my “tired mommy syndrome” issue, my ankle pain and sciatica were also healed.  I have tried herbal medicine as well as acupuncture, and while I do believe you can benefit from them, the extant to which homeopathy can heal is unmatchable.

 My youngest son was in a state of imbalance because of many reasons dealing with my pregnancy, his brother’s aggression towards him as an infant and my negative reaction to him.  Homeopathy helped him and his true person came out to reveal a gentle, adventurous, wonderfully happy and jolly boy who does not need to act out to get rid of the yucky feeling inside.  In addition to his antics, he spent his days crying for what he wanted and throwing tantrums every time something went slightly wrong according to him. These were the first symptoms to disappear.  My other son was treated for his jealousy and eczema, and my eldest for his negative outlook, constant complaining and very erratic anger.  Homeopathic remedies can help with overly clingy and whiny children, aggressive children, children suffering from allergies, autism and other chronic ailments, as well as addresses childhood issues such as picking, bedwetting, excessive fear, and jealousy.  These are chronic conditions but homeopathic remedies can also be used acutely for all diseases, even for the ones conventional science does not have a cure for.

 Guiding our children to the straight path simply means teaching them right from wrong.  We have to do it with the wisdom provided by the Prophet Muhammad SAW and support it with knowledge that builds an understanding of the whole picture of the first 7 years.  Furthermore, we have to use all that Allah SWT has provided us in creation.  So feed them healthy whole foods, provide natural and peaceful environments, and when needed, use homeopathy to heal them gently from within.

Note: When choosing a homeopath, be sure that they practice not only classical homeopathy but also derive their knowledge from the 6th edition of the Organon.  There is a fundamental difference from earlier editions on how to administer remedies that results in minimal aggravations and effective healing.

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